Desperate for Conversation

The closer I get to retirement, the more nervous I find myself and that surprises me because I’m usually pretty good with change. This one though — well this one is a huge change that will impact my life, for good or bad, until I die. That’s worth getting nervous about, right?

Up until a week or so ago, I was getting excited about the prospect of doing whatever I want, whenever I want – sleeping late with no alarm; eating better because when I have the time to prepare and cook, I like it because it doesn’t feel so much like working after work; giving my house a thorough cleaning at a leisurely pace; spending as much or as little time as I deem fit on my novel; upgrading my company, Scentsibility and putting in some quality marketing time; sitting out on my balcony at odd hours and watching the wildlife and the clouds; napping in the afternoons; etc.

But now? There’s a man who comes into the Starbucks I frequent who’s retired and he’s the garrulous type who’s looking for anyone that glances in his direction. Aaaaand he’s off. I find myself trying not to catch his eye as he sits eating his oatmeal, eyeing likely suspects in his vicinity. Is that going to be me one of these days? Can’t you just see my seventy or eighty-something shriveled face sidling up to a young, twenty-something in line and saying, “My aren’t those adorable jeans. Did you buy them around here?” How far do you think that’ll get me?

Elderly woman sadly looking out the window, a black-and-white phSo, that’s what got me got me to worrying about my retirement instead of looking forward to it. I took stock of how many people I’d be likely to talk to on a daily basis once my usual work buddies are gone. Um, maybe two. That scares me a little. I already talk to my cats but I don’t think that qualifies. I don’t fancy being the sad old lady who sits in the house and stares out the window all day.

old-man-at-grocery-store1

Then there was the little old man in Albertson’s who stood off to the side staring at me as I checked out the special on guacamole. I eventually decided not to buy it and meandered off. Very shortly, I heard, “Excuse me.” I turned to see the little old man following me over to the produce section. He wanted to know why I hadn’t gotten the guacamole. My instant impression was that he didn’t give a hoot why I hadn’t bought the guacamole; he just wanted to talk to someone. So I stopped. I told him it didn’t seem to have enough stuff in. He said, “What stuff? Guacamole is just guacamole.” I assured him they were all different and I actually liked to make my own with avocado, jalapeno, tomato, onion, cilantro and lime juice. He thought that over, nodded and sauntered back toward the display.

See, that could be me in a year or two – randomly stopping people in the grocery store just to hear a human voice. That scares me. I can hear you saying, “So get out and do something.” I’ve thought about that, too. I’m not accustomed to sitting around much. I’m very active (always have been) and typically have a to-do list a mile long of things I want to do and places I want to go. But then there’s the retirement budget. It’s going to be a game changer with a whole new set of rules (none of which I’ll know in advance). I doubt that I’ll have enough money for travel or to spend on trivial keep-myself-busy projects. Where does that leave me?

I’m still aiming for optimism but I find myself vacillating between ultra excited and secretly terrified.

 

Gnawing Doubts

HobbiesAs much as I hate to admit it, work had become ingrained in me. It’s become the way I see myself – a person whose routine for decades has been to get up, put on makeup, get dressed in clothes I’d just as soon trade in for sweat pants and T-shirts and haul myself off to work for the better part of the day. It may not be as easy as I’d like to think to flip the switch to total leisure time.

It sounds great on the surface and I’ve spent several years talking about how I can’t wait to have all my time to myself – the do what I want when I want and sleep late to boot thing – but when I really think about the fact that those things will no longer be for a short week or two each year but every single day, I start to wonder if things will lose their luster. I’ve read all the studies about the seniors who couldn’t wait to retire and had big plans and then died within a few months of doing so. I sure as hell don’t want to be one of those but what makes me any different? Not all of those people retired and then became sedentary around the house. I figure it must have to do with the mentality. But what about the mentality?

It’s difficult for me to imagine a day when I might be bored or depressed. I just have too many interests. Here are some of the things on my to-do list (in no particular ranking). Of course, the problem with many of them is that they’ll require money, something I may have in very short supply once a retire, unless I find a part-time job but then doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of retirement? Anyway, here’s my off-the-top-of-my-head list:

  1. Cooking classes so I find a way to focus on nutrition and yumminess instead of the chore of chopping and slicing (which, of course, feels like work)
  2. Visit Machu Picchu
  3. Take voice lessons
  4. Finish my play and get it published (that’s the one I really want)
  5. Finish my novel that ambitiously hopes to be the first in a series based on my years in show business in Las Vegas surrounded by the “old days” when the mob was here – the Tony Spilotros and Lefty Rosenthals and my subsequent years in casino marketing
  6. Learn to distill my own essential oils and hydrosols
  7. Plan, plant and maintain my dream garden – a sort of hideaway from the world in my own backyard (competes with my play for first place on the list)
  8. Put more time and energy into my essential oil company so it finally takes off
  9. Increase my menagerie to include my two cats and maybe a dog and a bird
  10. Discover a cave
  11. Travel around the U.S., stopping when I feel like it and taking in all the tucked away, hidden spots that are spectacular and only a few people know anything about them
  12. Read all the books and magazines piled all over the house
  13. Become fluent in a foreign language. Although I loved my semester in American Sign Language, it’s also the hardest one I’ve tried to learn but it’s beautiful
  14. Take a pottery class

The bottom line is that I can’t imagine a time when I’d be bored but even though I’m a pretty social person, I’ll need to make an effort to meet people. I won’t be surrounded by conversation all day long any more. I tend to think I’ll like that, but who knows? Maybe that’s the mentality thing I mentioned earlier that eventually gets to you. If you have the answer, please enlighten me. I don’t want to be part of those statistics.